THE DISH, NOVEMBER 22

I hear the matching thong is really uncomfortable. (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Victoria Secret’s $5 million bra, covered with 3500 black diamonds, 117-one carat white diamonds, and two swinging 100 carat black diamonds.)

I actually do want to see the movie. It’s the audience I don’t want to spend two hours with. (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on ardent Twilight fans, who’ve scratched their necks until they bled.)

They split up four years ago! A lot has happened since then: we have our first Black President, we’ve had three Olympic games, three American Idols, O.J. Simpson was actually convicted of something and the McRib was here, then left, then came back again. It’s time to let it go, In Touch. (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the Brad/Jen In Touch cover story: Jen, I’m Sorry.)

Turns out he’s a little bit country, she’s a little bit tired of all his crap. (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on a National Examiner report that Tim McGraw and Faith Hill may be splitting up.)

Apparently the rules have relaxed on consorting with felons. (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Snoop Dogg’s visit to Martha Stewart’s show.)

So remove your nipples and start walking on your toes now. (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Bloomingdale’s upcoming line of clothing for women inspired by Barbie.)

THE DISH NOVEMBER 15

You know, if I were Guy, I’d be like “Kids, here’s a bacon-wrapped Snickers bar and the first season of The Wire.  Go to town.”  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Madonna’s list of demands for Guy Ritchie specifying the children must adhere to a strict macrobiotic, vegetarian diet and only play with toys that are spiritually sound.)

Apparently, it’s hard to break through the glass ceiling when you’re so weighted down with accessories.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the cancellation of “Lipstick Jungle.”)

Jennifer went on to say that getting dumped by John Mayer was “not rad” and going several years without a box office success was “like the opposite of awesome.”  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Jennifer Aniston’s “Vogue” quote that Angelina Jolie’s acknowledgment of falling in love with a married Brad Pitt was “uncool.”)

And if you’re not watching this from the ticket line where you’re camped out with your sleeping bag and plastic fangs, good luck seeing it this weekend.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the upcoming opening of “Twilight.”)

Are we seriously going to have to start asking people “who are you driving?”  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on a special edition Hermes Smart Car.)

It’s for the woman who’s completely given up, but can’t afford any more cats to prove it. (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the boyfriend pillow, that comes with an arm to put around you.)

 According to the website, it’s the perfect way for a guy between girlfriends to get a comfortable night’s sleep.  Yeah, because that’s what guys miss when they’re not in a relationship:  the cuddling.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the girlfriend pillow, shaped like a woman’s lap.)

 My doctor told me to just stand on my head and have someone pour it down. (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the new trend of getting drunk by soaking tampons in vodka.)

 

BIG PURSE

A trendy, oversized purse saved the life of a college student this week, when it stopped a bullet during an armed robbery.

 

Unfortunately, the purse was unable to save a can of Altoids, a half-eaten Snickers bar and what may or may not have been a contraceptive sponge.

LINDSAY LOHAN

This week, Lindsay Lohan expressed her support for the nation’s first “colored President.”

 

Then she drove home in her Model T, listened to Bob Hope on the radio and told some kids to get off her lawn.  Dagnabbit.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Nicole Kidman paid tribute to husband Keith Urban this week by recalling how they first met:   “Three and a half years ago a man came along and said, ‘I’m going to take you to Tennessee.’ And he took me down there and he said, ‘I think you deserve to be loved. Let me love you, let me give you a home, and let’s make a baby.’”

 

When that happens to the rest of us, we usually call the police. 

NOVEMBER 10, 2008

Beyonce has expressed an interest in portraying Wonder Woman, saying “A black Wonder Woman would be a powerful thing.  It’s time for that, right?”  In response, Oprah said “Hey, Beyonce, we already have one.  Has your TV been broken for the past two decades?”  Then Oprah sent her a subscription to O Magazine, before having her killed.

THE DISH NOVEMBER 8

It’s November in Chicago, people!  It’s cold!  Barack can only control certain aspects of the weather.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on criticism Michelle Obama received for putting a cardigan over her Narciso Rodriguez dress on election night)

If he’d promised everyone a puppy, he could’ve ended this thing in March.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Barack Obama’s promise to give his daughters a puppy.)

The man said “you’re welcome,” then presented her with a $13 million dry cleaning bill.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Oprah thanking the anonymous man she cried on during election night.)  

I won’t be impressed until they wear stickers saying “I cleaned my own toilet.”  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on celebrities wearing I Voted stickers.)

“Friends” say?  I’ve seen pictures of Angie with the kids.  I’ve seen pictures of Angie with Brad.  You know what I’ve never seen pictures of Angie with?  Friends.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the In Touch headline “Friends Say She’s Pregnant Again”)

Try lightly sautéing and serving it with fat-free ranch dressing.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the Vogue headline “Fixing Fried Hair”)  

Ladies, if he can’t find it with GPS, you need to move on.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on new lingerie equipped with GPS technology.)

Two condoms?  That must be good make-up.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the NARS cosmetics kit that comes with two condoms.)

 

  

JOKES FROM THE DISH

Apparently, Erica Kane’s got amnesia again.  Or that’s her evil twin.  Or she’s still in the coma.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Susan Lucci’s performance in the group hip hop number on Dancing With the Stars.)

 Take that, Al Qaeda!  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Krispy Kreme giving donuts to voters.)

 She’d better hope Mr. Right doesn’t have Tivo.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on single woman Amy Borkowski’s goal of buying commercial time during the Super Bowl for a personal ad.  The fast-forward sound effect sold the joke.)

 Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s supporting McCain?!?!?  She should’ve told someone.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Elisabeth Hasselbeck in a McCain t-shirt.)

 I wasn’t going to vote, but now that the “hot tranny mess” guy from Project Runway suggests I do, well, color me registered.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Christian Siriano’s Vote t-shirt.)

 They have so much money, they’re getting three each. (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Star magazine’s report that the Olsen Twins may get boob jobs.)

 How many calories do I burn if I throw it out the window?  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on a dumbbell-shaped alarm clock that won’t turn off until you do thirty reps.)

 

 

THE DISH

These are highlights from this week’s episode of The dish, hosted by danielle fishel on the style network, saturdays at 10 p.m.  

No one wants this to become a snuff film with a live band.  (The Dish’s danielle fishel suggesting america may want to ease up on voting for cloris leachman on dancing with the stars.)

Take that all you other living women!  (The Dish’s danielle fishel on esquire naming halle berry sexiest woman alive.)

Well, there were two babies in her.  Now there aren’t.  The rest is pilates and fiber.  (The Dish’s danielle fishel on the us magazine headline “angelina jolie, how she got so thin so fast”)

Did Minnie Mouse always have that much junk in her trunk?  Girlfriend needs to ease up on the cheese.  she’s been trying to bring back polka dots forever.  give it up!  (The Dish’s danielle fishel critiquing minnie mouse’s dress at the disneyland celebration for miley cyrus)

There’s nothing better than celebrating your birthday at the office.  Happy birthday Miley, there’s cake in the break room.  Now get back to work.  (The Dish’s danielle fishel on miley cyrus’s birthday celebration at disneyland)

So apparently, in that family there’s no kissing before marriage and, basically, non-stop baby-making afterward. How about rounding a few bases before, then maybe only two or three kids after?  just me?  (The Dish’s danielle fishel on the duggar family of TLC’s “17 and COUnting,” who don’t believe in kissing before marriage)

it’s perfect for when you go hunting.  and mavericking.  (The Dish’s danielle fishel on a folding knife with john mccain’s face on it, found on e-bay)

So where does joe six pack put his other two Bud Lights?  Directly on the coffee table?  I don’t think so.  (The Dish’s danielle fishel on a four-pack of sarah palin coasters)

They come in three sizes:  small, mccain and obama.  (The Dish’s danielle fishel on condoms with mccain and obama on the wrappers)

Rednecks run and hide when they see you coming.  Even Jeff Foxworthy is like, “you are on your own.”

(The Dish’s danielle fishel on a brother and adopted sister getting married on “my Big redneck wedding”)

 

 

 

 

VICE PRESIDENT TINA FEY

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were hilarious on SNL last night as Palin and Clinton.  And if we’re just picking a woman to be John McCain’s running mate, why not Tina Fey for real?

She made me laugh at SNL in 2008 (!) , which has to be much harder than the normal VP duties of allowing private corporations to bugger the U.S. Treasury, shooting your hunting partner and just being a prick — with the occasional foreign dignataries’ funeral thrown in.  She rehabilitated Alec Baldwin’s reputation, a skill which would certainly come in handy for the infinite number of times John McCain would get the world pissed off at us.

She was in New York for 9/11, so she has an understanding of the whole terrorism issue.  She’s well informed of the news, she’s smart, she’s sexy.  She has a young daughter, so we know she got herself laid at least somewhat recently (sorry, Hillary) but hasn’t taken it upon herself to repopulate the world.  She’s funny, so she could sell us on John McCain’s latest initiative to ban abortion.  I’d be like “Wow.  I can’t believe the women’s movement was just pushed back three decades, but did you see her Ruth Bader Ginsberg?  I can’t WAIT for when they bring back segregation.”

Forget the Biden-Palin debate.  I want to see Fey-Palin. 

And I really can’t wait for the return of “30 Rock.”  Tina Fey, I love you.  And if the Democrats can’t beat McCain-Palin, we need to pack it in.