THE OCTOMOM

Jokes about the Octomom are now as officially worn out as that woman’s vagina.

Shut it, America.

WASHINGTON POST STYLE INVITATIONAL

For the past 800 weeks or so, the Washington Post — a newspaper you wouldn’t think has a sense of humor, but does — has run a weekly writing contest called the Style Invitational, where they give a subject and ask for submissions.  As a way of finally getting my ass writing again, I started entering the contest. 

This week’s contest was to write diary entries for people, real or fictional, along with a date.  These are my submissions this week:

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From the Diary of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, Thanksgiving, 2021

UGH!!! Had to eat at the “biologicals” table again. So instead of talking about “abject poverty” and “how to recover from leprosy” at the “adopteds” table, I got stuck between Lantern Oasis Jolie-Timberlake and Horizon Ficus Jolie-Schwarzenegger. And they’re idiots. I hate this cult!

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From the Diary of Jenna Jameson, A Few Years Ago

Oh! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Yes! YES!!!!

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From the Diary of Jon Stewart, Inauguration Day, 2009

Oh! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Yes! YES!!!!!

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From the Diary of Walter Cronkite, Every Night After The CBS Evening News

(Illegible. Writing is washed away by copious tears.)

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From the Diary of “Soprano’s” Creator David Chase

Tony’s dead.

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From the Diary of Captain James T. Kirk, Stardate 36827.9

Now that I think about it, telecommunications technology hasn’t advanced much beyond early Twenty-First Century standards. And computers got a lot bigger. KHAN!

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From the Diary of Satan, Inauguration Day, 2009

Spending 8 years as Vice President was EXHAUSTING. 

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From the Diary of Bridget Jones, 13 February 2009

Caught Mark Darcy being smug and stand-offish to secretary. Must be having mid-life crisis affair, in manner of BBC presenter or U.S. President. But not like President Obama, who’s v. v. delicious. Must read up on American news, in case of travel to White House with cheating Mark Darcy’s barrister firm.

From the Diary of Bridget Jones, 14 February 2009

Hurrah! Received roses via secretary. Mark Darcy not cheating! Simply smug bastard to everyone. Will keep reading American news, just in case.