ALEXANDRA PELOSI

I just watched Alexandra Pelosi’s HBO documentary “Friends of God” about the fundamentalist movement in the U.S.  If I had to come up with the most annoying hypothetical offspring ever, based on the uberall annoying level of their parents and couldn’t commit a felony while doing it (temporarily sparing the world from a baby Jonas/Cyrus, pretty much the Fat Man of irritating DNA mixtures), it would have to be the imaginary child of Michael Moore and Alexandra Pelosi.

 

My seething hatred of Moore and Pelosi doesn’t just stem from their habit of starring in their films, despite having personalities more abrasive than the Old Dutch cleanser I keep saying I’m going to scrub my bathtub with.  It’s because, ostensibly, I’m on their side on the issues, but their films make me hate them so much personally I keep wishing I weren’t.

 

For instance, Pelosi did pretty much the unpardonable by making me feel sorry for George W. Bush – yes, that, George W. Bush – when she did the film “Journeys With George.” She tagged along on Bush’s press plane during the 2000 campaign, then blasted him for being, well, Bush.  And not Bush, the evil fucking non-genius behind Iraq.  It was more like Bush, the goofy guy you’d almost kind of like if he hadn’t turned out to be the evil fucking non-genius behind Iraq.  And she was only on that plane because he was doing her mother a favor.  I don’t care if, according to IMDB, Alexandra Pelosi does have a degree in communications from USC.  That doesn’t get you a job washing the press plane, let alone an audience with the future (and almost past – yay! – but not quickly enough — boo!) President.

 

And Moore made me root for Charlton Heston in “Bowling for Columbine.”  And I hate “The Ten Commandments.”  I was thinking “Huh.  The NRA makes some interesting points.” 

 

“Friends of God” reminded me of all those videographers at weddings who yell out inanities behind the camera as they try to make you come up with something clever to say to the bride, whom you only talk to at work for the amount of time if takes to burn your microwave popcorn, and the groom, whom you don’t know at all:

 

Videograher with wink and leer: Hey, got any tips for Ken and Lisa as they head off on their honeymoon? 

 

Me while looking for bar:  Have fun, Lisa and…………………………Ken?

 

I don’t know how you do a boring documentary about the fundamentalist movement in America, but I think it has something to do with that half-smirking, aren’t-I-smarter-than-you way of posing the questions, that kept making me hope one of the Christians was going to punch her like in that scene in “Witness.”  But, no, these Christians were Christians.

 

So, again, thanks, Alexandra, for making me think “Huh.  These people who are telling me I’m not a Christian if I’m pro-choice and love my gay friends, are pretty tolerant, after all.” 

 

And one last word to Michael Moore.  It’s so much easier for me to agree with you when you shut the hell up.  So keep doing that.

 

THE DISH, DECEMBER 13

Right now, if you look out your window, you’ll see the words “I eat my feelings” written in the sky.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Oprah’s appearances everywhere this week to talk about her weight gain.)

At the photo shoot, there was tension between the two Oprahs until 2012 Oprah arrived to show them it could get a lot worse.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the cover of O Magazine, featuring two Oprahs: one from 2005 and one from today.)

The kneepads sure come in handy when you’re trying to raise approval ratings.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Lindsay Lohan’s Mr. President leggings, featuring kneepads.)

No means 10 11 01 111 0101.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on a female robot that doesn’t let her creator get too fresh.)

Don’t tell Angie, but that’s Brad’s tie.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the GQ cover featuring Jennifer Aniston wearing only a tie.)

My favorite article was “Come on, they’re not all gifts from God.”  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Baby Talk Magazine’s headline “Straight Talk For New Moms”)

Apparently, she said the pregnancy this time really was just to ruin Jen’s Christmas.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Star Magazine’s headline that Angelina Jolie is having twins again.)

So if you want your ball gown to literally say “I’m With Stupid,” call Angela.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on designer Angela Johnson’s gowns made from old T-shirts.)

BUMPER STICKERS

In 2004, I saw quite possibly the world’s best bumper sticker:  Republicans for Voldemort.  This morning on the way to work, I finally spotted the worst:  I’m Only Speeding ‘Cause I Really Have to Poop.

I might’ve understood it — to a degree — if it’d been on a Roto-Rooter van.  But this was on a truck belonging to an air conditioning company.  I realize there’s some connection between pooping and air quality.  But is this really the corporate message one wants to spread?

Maybe it’s a way to get out of a ticket.  The bumper sticker probably makes a fairly strong case that you have habitual bowel problems if you’re ever pulled over.  But at what cost?  Being known as an uncontrollable pooper?  I’d rather get the ticket.

And if it’s a sign of the guy’s (because you know a woman had nothing to do with this) sense of humor, again, I’d rather get the ticket.

I don’t know what possessed someone to put this on their car.  I don’t know what possessed someone to print up a bumper sticker like that.  I just know I want to stay far, far away from both of them.  Especially when they’re  speeding.  And pooping.

VALKYRIE

Do you know why Valkyrie is going to be God awful?  It’s not just because Tom Cruise is going to do to this movie what he did to The Last Samurai.  It’s because one of the trailers starts off “No man was more evil,”  then goes on to explain Hitler was a bad, bad man. 

If we’ve truly come to a point in history where Hitler needs an introduction, something’s seriously wrong.   His is not one of those vague names like Calvin Coolidge where you don’t really why you know them.  No one ever says “Hitler…why was he famous again?”

And if, indeed, you have no basic knowledge of Hitler, I don’t want you learning about him from a Tom Cruise movie.  If you want to know how to be a spy or drive race cars fast or speak with a bad Irish accent, Tom’s your man.  If you want any understanding of genocide, you need to go to a history book.  Or talk to George Clooney.

This film will be an abomination.  And I can’t wait to see it!

THE DISH, DECEMBER 6

Move over Maccabees, Santa Claus and Jesus, because this December belongs to Britney Spears, who has the body of a teenaged mother of two.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Britney Spears’s huge week of publicity.)

All my first boyfriend said was “think fast” as he threw a ball at my head.  We dated for two weeks.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on 9-year-old Alex Greven’s book “How to Talk to Girls”)

Pitt added “The worst part is if you don’t finish, she yells ‘Do you know how many starving kids there are in Africa?,’ then points to Zahara.  It’s awkward.”  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on a Brad Pitt quote in Jamie Oliver’s new magazine, saying the fanciest meal Angelina Jolie cooks is cereal.)

Hey, Kevin.  You weren’t being silent.  You were just rapping about it and no one was listening.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the People Magazine headline “Kevin Federline Breaks His Silence”)

Oh, Brody, what are you going to do when you find out your Bromancers are just not that into you?  Will you watch some made-for-TV movies on Bro-Oxygen?  Will you eat three bags of Bro-Oreo cookies?  Bro-boo, Bro-hoo.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Brody Jenner’s new show “Bromance”)

If your boyfriend plays for 10 minutes, he loves you.  If he plays all day, he’s gay.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the new Fashion Rules board game, where players answer questions about Supermodels and fashion.)

Good to know.  But I’m trying to figure out when I have three hours to spare.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on a male enhancement infomercial promising three hour erections.)