THE DISH, NOVEMBER 29

Oh my God!  He could be worse?  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on reports that The Hills’s Spencer told Heidi that being with her has made him a better man.)

First you lost your house and job, but you thought you were getting an Oprah Win-fall, only to end up with something like a tip from some lady in Denver on how to make soap for Christmas.  With the way your year’s going, that mole on your elbow is probably just flesh-eating bacteria.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Oprah’s affordable My Favorite Things show)

The ceremonial First Flush was made by Joey Fatone of ‘NSYNC, proving that he is not at all familiar with the word “no.”  When asked how the gig went, his reply was “Dude, don’t go in there…sorry.”  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Charmin’s Luxury Loos in Times Square.)

Not if you like angry sex.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the Marie Claire headline “Does Dieting Make You Bad in Bed?”)

I’m guessing there’s no lipstick, because the last time I checked Hello Kitty didn’t have a mouth.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on a new line of Mac cosmetics inspired by Hello Kitty.)

Of course, the higher it goes, you get things like “Well, it’s the holidays” and “At least you got out of bed “ and “You’ve got a great personality.”  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on a line of bathroom scales that replaces numbers with positive affirmations.)

 

THE DISH, NOVEMBER 22

I hear the matching thong is really uncomfortable. (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Victoria Secret’s $5 million bra, covered with 3500 black diamonds, 117-one carat white diamonds, and two swinging 100 carat black diamonds.)

I actually do want to see the movie. It’s the audience I don’t want to spend two hours with. (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on ardent Twilight fans, who’ve scratched their necks until they bled.)

They split up four years ago! A lot has happened since then: we have our first Black President, we’ve had three Olympic games, three American Idols, O.J. Simpson was actually convicted of something and the McRib was here, then left, then came back again. It’s time to let it go, In Touch. (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the Brad/Jen In Touch cover story: Jen, I’m Sorry.)

Turns out he’s a little bit country, she’s a little bit tired of all his crap. (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on a National Examiner report that Tim McGraw and Faith Hill may be splitting up.)

Apparently the rules have relaxed on consorting with felons. (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Snoop Dogg’s visit to Martha Stewart’s show.)

So remove your nipples and start walking on your toes now. (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Bloomingdale’s upcoming line of clothing for women inspired by Barbie.)

THE DISH NOVEMBER 15

You know, if I were Guy, I’d be like “Kids, here’s a bacon-wrapped Snickers bar and the first season of The Wire.  Go to town.”  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Madonna’s list of demands for Guy Ritchie specifying the children must adhere to a strict macrobiotic, vegetarian diet and only play with toys that are spiritually sound.)

Apparently, it’s hard to break through the glass ceiling when you’re so weighted down with accessories.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the cancellation of “Lipstick Jungle.”)

Jennifer went on to say that getting dumped by John Mayer was “not rad” and going several years without a box office success was “like the opposite of awesome.”  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Jennifer Aniston’s “Vogue” quote that Angelina Jolie’s acknowledgment of falling in love with a married Brad Pitt was “uncool.”)

And if you’re not watching this from the ticket line where you’re camped out with your sleeping bag and plastic fangs, good luck seeing it this weekend.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the upcoming opening of “Twilight.”)

Are we seriously going to have to start asking people “who are you driving?”  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on a special edition Hermes Smart Car.)

It’s for the woman who’s completely given up, but can’t afford any more cats to prove it. (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the boyfriend pillow, that comes with an arm to put around you.)

 According to the website, it’s the perfect way for a guy between girlfriends to get a comfortable night’s sleep.  Yeah, because that’s what guys miss when they’re not in a relationship:  the cuddling.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the girlfriend pillow, shaped like a woman’s lap.)

 My doctor told me to just stand on my head and have someone pour it down. (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the new trend of getting drunk by soaking tampons in vodka.)

 

BIG PURSE

A trendy, oversized purse saved the life of a college student this week, when it stopped a bullet during an armed robbery.

 

Unfortunately, the purse was unable to save a can of Altoids, a half-eaten Snickers bar and what may or may not have been a contraceptive sponge.

LINDSAY LOHAN

This week, Lindsay Lohan expressed her support for the nation’s first “colored President.”

 

Then she drove home in her Model T, listened to Bob Hope on the radio and told some kids to get off her lawn.  Dagnabbit.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Nicole Kidman paid tribute to husband Keith Urban this week by recalling how they first met:   “Three and a half years ago a man came along and said, ‘I’m going to take you to Tennessee.’ And he took me down there and he said, ‘I think you deserve to be loved. Let me love you, let me give you a home, and let’s make a baby.’”

 

When that happens to the rest of us, we usually call the police. 

NOVEMBER 10, 2008

Beyonce has expressed an interest in portraying Wonder Woman, saying “A black Wonder Woman would be a powerful thing.  It’s time for that, right?”  In response, Oprah said “Hey, Beyonce, we already have one.  Has your TV been broken for the past two decades?”  Then Oprah sent her a subscription to O Magazine, before having her killed.

THE DISH NOVEMBER 8

It’s November in Chicago, people!  It’s cold!  Barack can only control certain aspects of the weather.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on criticism Michelle Obama received for putting a cardigan over her Narciso Rodriguez dress on election night)

If he’d promised everyone a puppy, he could’ve ended this thing in March.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Barack Obama’s promise to give his daughters a puppy.)

The man said “you’re welcome,” then presented her with a $13 million dry cleaning bill.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Oprah thanking the anonymous man she cried on during election night.)  

I won’t be impressed until they wear stickers saying “I cleaned my own toilet.”  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on celebrities wearing I Voted stickers.)

“Friends” say?  I’ve seen pictures of Angie with the kids.  I’ve seen pictures of Angie with Brad.  You know what I’ve never seen pictures of Angie with?  Friends.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the In Touch headline “Friends Say She’s Pregnant Again”)

Try lightly sautéing and serving it with fat-free ranch dressing.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the Vogue headline “Fixing Fried Hair”)  

Ladies, if he can’t find it with GPS, you need to move on.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on new lingerie equipped with GPS technology.)

Two condoms?  That must be good make-up.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the NARS cosmetics kit that comes with two condoms.)