VICE PRESIDENT TINA FEY

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were hilarious on SNL last night as Palin and Clinton.  And if we’re just picking a woman to be John McCain’s running mate, why not Tina Fey for real?

She made me laugh at SNL in 2008 (!) , which has to be much harder than the normal VP duties of allowing private corporations to bugger the U.S. Treasury, shooting your hunting partner and just being a prick — with the occasional foreign dignataries’ funeral thrown in.  She rehabilitated Alec Baldwin’s reputation, a skill which would certainly come in handy for the infinite number of times John McCain would get the world pissed off at us.

She was in New York for 9/11, so she has an understanding of the whole terrorism issue.  She’s well informed of the news, she’s smart, she’s sexy.  She has a young daughter, so we know she got herself laid at least somewhat recently (sorry, Hillary) but hasn’t taken it upon herself to repopulate the world.  She’s funny, so she could sell us on John McCain’s latest initiative to ban abortion.  I’d be like “Wow.  I can’t believe the women’s movement was just pushed back three decades, but did you see her Ruth Bader Ginsberg?  I can’t WAIT for when they bring back segregation.”

Forget the Biden-Palin debate.  I want to see Fey-Palin. 

And I really can’t wait for the return of “30 Rock.”  Tina Fey, I love you.  And if the Democrats can’t beat McCain-Palin, we need to pack it in.

THE DISH, SEPTEMBER 13th

“The Dish” is a spin-off of “The Soup,” for the Style Network (way, way, high up there on the cable spectrum).  It’s hosted by the amazing Danielle Fishel and written by Julie Bush, Danielle Fishel, Jessie Gaskell, Danielle Koenig, Penelope Lombard and Tony Tripoli, with me as the head writer.  Watch the show if you get that many cable channels.  And you’ll need to get a lot.

Here are the highlight jokes from this past week:

Nykesha got kicked off for being too skinny, which is just sort of the best thing ever.  (the dish’s danielle Fishel on the most recent America’s next top model ejection.)

That screams, “I just dropped out of high school and I’m headed to the kwik stop to meet my 37-year-old boyfriend.”  (the dish’s danielle Fishel on the return of the cropped shirt at fashion week.)

toot toot.  heYYYYYYYYYYy.  beep beep.  (the dish’s danielle Fishel on rock and republic’s micro-minis at fashion week.)

finally, A way to get men to stop staring at my breasts.  (the dish’s danielle Fishel on a dress with a face painted on the crotch at fashion week.)

I know!  She’s a lesbian, 50 and she wears make-up.  We should burn her as a witch. (the dish’s danielle Fishel on the cbs early show’s anchors’ astonishment of ellen degeneres being named the new face of cover girl.)

bras to court.  panties to church.  i ain’t got time to keep up with all these fashion trends.   (the dish’s danielle Fishel on a youtube clip of a kentucky woman sentenced to jail for inappropriate court room attire.)

i’ll take 717 Google shares and a pair of Spanx.   (the dish’s danielle Fishel on lucky magazine’s headline ‘718 pieces that will change your life’)

for the woman who wants to be noticed and shunned.  (the dish’s danielle Fishel on a new bra with dolls’ heads on them.)

PRAY AWAY THE GAY

Sarah Palin’s church thinks you can pray away the gay.  

I’m a firm believer in God, the power of prayer and the innate okay-ness of being gay.  There are a lot of things to pray about in this world — the scariness of an unqualified beauty queen runner-up being an old man’s heartbeat away from being President is one.  A world at war is another.  A collection of bigots who think there’s something wrong with being gay is one more. 

Plus, I’m sure there’s going to be another Juno/Little Miss Sunshine out there this awards season that will annoy the living hell out of me.  Pray to prevent another ”My Big Fat Greek Wedding” if you people have so much time on your hands. 

I wish the far right would stop Bogarting my God.  He doesn’t hate; they do.

90210

Like an actual high school reunion, I looked forward to the premiere of “90210” not so much with the hope of reconnecting with a long-lost friend, but more with the desire to see just how fat the bitchy popular girl got.   It’s not that I bear ill will to the original, I just hate seeing Hollywood’s remaining milliliters of creativity continue to get dumped into the re-make sewer.

 

The two-hour premiere was filled with the cutting edge teenaged angst that made 1953 the gritty year that it was:  dates on a school night, lies to parents, crazy pranks by rival high school sports teams – and, parental advisory – a book report that was copied word for word.  Seriously.  Word for word.

 

The show did make some lame attempts at relevance including a Spicoli-like pill pusher who uses hollowed out books instead of baggies, which you’d think would cut into the profits; several scenes of underage drinking; and the fanciest porn set ever. 

 

So, there wasn’t much to notice.  Except for the incredibly graphic blow job in the first five minutes of the show.  On the one hand, the casual blow job is probably the only thing the producers got right about high school kids in 2008.  But that scene was from a much different show.  And a much more interesting one.

 

All I could think of was what it would be like to watch that scene with kids or, even worse, my mother.  It was completely gratuitous and made the rest of the show seem even more ridiculous.  Then all I could think of was how much I missed “The Wire” because Tristan Wilds – who played Michael on the HBO series – plays the new Brandon role on “90210.”

 

Stop disappointing me so much, Hollywood.  And let the kids from “The Wire” transfer to West Beverly.  That would be a show worth watching.  

 

Governor Palin

You know how when your grandpa wants to get you a Christmas gift and he knows you like music, so he gives you the Best of Gordon Lightfoot and, on top of it all, it’s a cassette?  And you still have to thank him like it’s a car?

 

Yeah, that’s how Governor Palin became the Republican Vice Presidential nominee. 

 

I guess John McCain got wind that some of the ladies were disappointed that Barack Obama decided not to third-trimester abort his candidacy by attaching Hillary Clinton to it.  So Grandpa John went out and found his own female Vice Presidential candidate.

 

But he didn’t go to the obvious places like Congress, where there are many – but not enough – lady lawmakers to choose from, including Latinas who would’ve been formidable running mates.  No, John went all the way to Alaska, to pick a, basically, small-town mayor who only moved into politics after failing at sportscasting and beauty pageanting.

 

The good news, is he’s pretty much single-handedly taken away the “inexperienced” insult being hurled at Obama, so, uh, thanks, Senator McCain.  But this also means our country could one day be led by someone who couldn’t handle the intricacies of sportscasting on local TV.  And it’s Alaska, where the most you have to know is sled dog races, hockey, and who most recently got drunk and fell through the ice while fishing.

 

Plus, McCain’s really proud of himself, instead of being colossally embarrassed for passing up so many women candidates who were much more qualified, in order to find one who’s pretty and has spent a good portion of her adult life having babies.  But boobs and an active uterus aren’t enough. 

 

Right idea, Senator McCain.  Bad, bad result.

 

But good for Democrats.   So, thanks, Grandpa, for the Gordon Lightfoot.  Come November, it probably will be better than a car.