I HATE THIS MOVIE ALREADY

The stars of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” are re-teaming for a new romantic comedy called “I Hate Valentine’s Day.”

 

So, when your boyfriend breaks up with you the day before that movie comes out, you can say “Thanks, Nia Vardalos.”

BRAD PITT AND THE TWINS

The cover of Star Magazine tells us “Brad hugs twins to his bare chest.” 

 

Which gets my vote for the creepiest sweet thing Star Magazine says Brad Pitt has ever done. 

 

Unless they’re referring to the Barbie twins, then I’d say “shame on you Brad Pitt” and…call me. 

90210

Star Magazine reports that Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth are fighting on the set of 90210.

 

Wow.  Either Shannen and Jennie are living in the past…or Star Magazine is.

WORLD’S GREATEST DAD

A 33-year-old Michigan man was arrested on child sexual abuse charges while on his way to a meeting with a 14-year-old girl.  He was wearing a “World’s Greatest Dad” t-shirt. 

 

I hate it when guys don’t dress up for dates anymore.

 

GIRL SCOUT MARIJUANA

Thousands of marijuana plants have been found growing on a Girl Scout campsite in Indiana. 

 

I don’t know who owns all that pot.  But I know where he can get some cookies.

ETHAN HAWKE

Ethan Hawke has married his pregnant girlfriend whom he met when he and wife Uma Thurman hired her to be their nanny. But I’m sure this marriage will work.  And I’m positive it’s just a rumor that he finds his wife’s obstetrician “totally hot” and “future wife material.”  

 

BRANGELINA’S TWINS

Congratulations to Angeliena Jolie and Brad Pitt, who are now the proud parents of twins:  Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline.  And to the twins, I say: 

 

Welcome. 

You’ve just won the genetics jackpot. 

And can I borrow some money? 

 

All poor Jennifer Aniston can do is enjoy a vault full of “Friends” money, date hot younger men, and not be surrounded by six kids under the age of seven.  I want to be you, Jennifer Aniston.

CHER’S POSSIBLE NEW MARRIAGE

Cher is reportedly going to marry a 36-year-old man later this year.

See, that is what happens when you let a gay guy get married.

TWO CRIMES

As I was driving the freeways of Los Angeles today, I saw several electronic alerts about a purple and gold SUV wanted in connection with a child abduction.

 

There is only one thing more tragic than a child abduction.  And that’s a purple and gold SUV.

WAL-MART’S NEW MAKEOVER

Wal-Mart is getting a makeover.  According to the Wall Street Journal, the chain is eliminating the hyphen from its name and the new logo will feature white letters on an orange background, followed by a small starburst.

 

So far, the changes have reportedly been met with mixed reviews by store employees.  Many of Wal-Mart’s greeters oppose the “newfangled punctuation,”  “colors that irritate their cataracts” and “all the Negroes at NASCAR races.” 

 

However, the changes were apparently quite a hit with all the six-year-olds on the graveyard shift at the factory in Guangzhou, with many of them spending their entire 12-minute meal break talking about the new sign.  Well, that and the latest on Spencer and Heidi’s on-again, off-again romance.  And maybe 30 seconds wondering why they can no longer straighten their fingers without screaming in pain.