TWO MORE GUYS WHO NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP

In one of the most unbelievably stupid — yet ballsy — attacks of the campaign season, General Wesley Clark has maligned Senator John McCain’s military leadership experience, saying “that large squadron in the navy he commanded – that wasn’t a wartime squadron.” 

 

Uh-huh. 

 

I don’t care if McCain’s leadership career prior to becoming a POW was limited to ten minutes at a USO dance.  If you spend 5 and a half years in a POW camp, beaten so severely you sustain permanent damage and refuse early release so you can stay with your men, you automatically get all the military cred anyone should ever need.   I’d be scared of any candidate with more military experience.  We do not need a President who does a Slim Pickens riding the bomb at the end of “Dr Strangelove.”

 

On the other side of the debate, former Democrat and perpetual fuckwit Senator Joseph Lieberman criticized Senator Barack Obama’s opposition to the war in Iraq, saying if we’d followed his advice, Iraq would be ruled today by Iran and Al Qaeda.”  And instead, today it’s a joy-filled bastion of suicide bombers, kidnappers and the world’s leading supplier of YouTube decapitation videos. 

 

And who’s supposed to look bad in Lieberman’s example?

 

General Wesley Clark and Senator Joseph Lieberman should both take a stroll in downtown Baghdad, then get back to us on the definitions of “military leadership experience” and “success.”  Then they need to shut the fuck up.

 

SHUT THE FUCK UP, RALPH NADER

Mr. Nader:

 

I can’t even address this letter to “Dear” Mr. Nader, because on occasion I must say the words “President George W. Bush,” which I wouldn’t have to do if you and some confused old people in Florida – but mostly you – had refrained from spoiling it for the rest of us in 2000.  And NOTHING could be worse than having George W. Bush as President, unless President Dick Cheney somehow comes to pass.  Or “30 Rock” gets cancelled.

 

You’re currently whoring yourself to the media by accusing Senator Barack Obama of not being black enough.  Thanks, Old White Man, for playing the race card.  It’s what was missing in an otherwise dignified election cycle. 

 

Please continue to play the role of the friend of my parents no one likes to sit next to at Thanksgiving dinner, but keeps showing up anyway, long after he stopped being invited.  I beg you to take all the fun out of the meal by complaining about your hip replacement surgery while we’re eating, and the only thing that prevents me from slapping you is the reminder that many years ago you once fixed my bike.  We are all delighted to listen to your tales from the crypt and look forward to all the sage wisdom and advice you can offer us, during the reign of the worst U.S. President since Herbert Hoover.  Whom you installed in office.

 

Sincerely and fuck you,

 

Maureen Driscoll

 

P.S.  Dear Bob Barr:  You’d be a great third-party candidate.

FOCUS ON HYPOCRISY

James Dobson, lead crackpot of Focus on the Family, has accused Senator Barack Obama of distorting the Bible and adhering to a “fruitcake interpretation” of the Constitution.  Good God, what’s next?  An accusation that Obama is a middle-aged white guy who’s the lead crackpot of Focus on the Family? 

 

Dobson takes issue with Obama’s interpretation of passages in Leviticus that say slavery is okay and eating shellfish is an abomination (this was Obama’s way of taking Leviticus with a grain of salt, not an attempt to bring back slavery and get rid of shrimp.  I think.)  Leviticus, of course, is what Dobson and his ilk quote pretty much daily to condemn homosexuality.  Apparently Dobson believes Leviticus is the Biblical version of Renee Zellweger’s career.  Some parts need to be recorded and replayed (the anti-gay propaganda/Jerry Maguire and the first Bridget Jones movie) and the rest can be ignored (inconvenient passages on slavery and shellfish/everything else she’s ever done).

 

As for the fruitcake interpretation of the Constitution, you can’t get much crazier than the far right’s reading of the Second Amendment.  Unless it’s the far left’s interpretation of the First.

 

But Dobson isn’t a big fan of Senator John McCain, either, saying there’s a strong likelihood he’ll go to the polls in November, but won’t vote for either McCain or Obama.  And he says it like it’s a bad thing for the candidates.  A repudiation by James Fucking Dobson is an asset for McCain with the non-Focus on the Family crowd (i.e. the normal folks).  And I could never vote for a Democrat who was liked by him.

 

As someone who’s anti-slavery, pro-gay and loves a night at Red Lobster. I’ll skip Leviticus, but I will be voting in November, while Dobson spends the day focusing on his ass. And the world will be a better place because of it.

 

 

 

SHIGEO TOKUDA AND THE PUPPY

 

In terms of hits, the two most-viewed entries I’ve written – by far – have been about the Marine who threw the puppy and the 72-year-old Japanese porn star Shigeo Tokuda.

 

I can only hope for the perfect storm of Shigeo Tokuda throwing a puppy or, well, fucking one.

 

TEACHER BURNS CROSS ONTO STUDENT

School officials in Ohio are in the process of firing an 8^th-grade science teacher who burned a cross onto the arm of one of his students.  He’d been previously reprimanded for teaching creationism and for telling his students “science is wrong because the Bible states that homosexuality is a sin.” 

 

Uh-huh.  Just out of curiosity, what does the Bible say about branding crosses onto teenagers?  And who approved this guy as a science teacher? 

 

It makes you long for the days when the only bad things teachers did was get impregnated by their students. 

OLDEST JONAS BROTHER LIKES BEING VIRGIN

 Dear Kevin Jonas:

 

I recently read that you, a 19-year-old astoundingly successful musician, plan to remain a virgin until you’re married and that you don’t mind settling down young.

 

 

You’re a well-intentioned, brain-washed idiot.

 

 

You may think it’s unwise to lose your virginity now, but sex is all about unwise choices.  Obviously, you can’t take unwarranted risks with disease or pregnancy.  But you are much, much better off in the long run waking up next to a few mistakes (don’t avoid sex; avoid alcohol), than getting married to someone just because you want to have sex.  I’m sure your 12^th birthday seems a long time ago, but you have no clue how far away a 10^th wedding anniversary is.

 

 

Also, no woman wants to marry a virgin.  Somebody needs to know what they’re doing and sex isn’t nearly as self-explanatory as you might think.  It’s like assembling Ikea furniture.  It’s obvious how some of the pieces fit together, but all of the sudden everything’s out there on the living room floor and there are a lot more parts than you thought there’d be and even when you put everything together, something’s a little off.  And, trust me, you want it to be exactly like it was on the showroom floor.

 

 

Career-wise, look what happened to Hanson.  They all married young and now they’re playing “MMMBop” at supermarkets.  (I hope that’s true, because if so, I’m going.)

 

 

Plus, you’re a musician.  Sex is the real reason most guys ever take up music and the main explanation for why the Stones are still touring.  Admittedly, your fan base is a little too young for these purposes.  But they all have moms.

 

 

Rethink your virgin status.  Just say yes.

 

 

You’ll thank me.  And so will your future wife.

 

 

Maureen Driscoll

 

 

 

WHO AND WHY

At a time when there are multiple cable networks devoted to even the most boring subject – The Weather Channel has a rival! – the bar for being a celebrity is ridiculously low.  I resent how low it is, in no small part because I would’ve had no problem spending the rest of my life thinking Audrina Partridge is something that would likely show up on a menu or in a zoo instead of on every other page of goddam Us Weekly.  I refuse to believe anyone on any realty show or Fox News is just like me, no matter how many times they go to Starbucks. 

 

Despite the low bar, I was still a little confused how a few people ended up in the news this past week.

 

The first was “America’s Best Flamenco Dancer,” who was the special guest dancer on “So You Think You Can Dance.”  I’m willing to guess that while Americans are the best at everything in the entire world – especially anything involving obesity – perhaps, just perhaps, flamenco dancing isn’t our biggest thing of being the best at.  But I still don’t understand why this guy was on an otherwise great show, because all he really did was tap-dance in place wearing a vest with no shirt and Bedazzled jeans.

 

The second surprise was those pictures of Steve Guttenberg looking crazy – but pretty buff – while attacking a photographer.  I don’t know why the paparazzi would try to take his picture and I really, really don’t know why he’d be anything other than pleased.  It’s been twenty years since the sequel to “Cocoon.”  Then I read he was recently on “Dancing With the Stars,” which not only offended my truth-in-advertising objections to that show (There are no “Stars,” I wouldn’t call that crap “Dancing,” although I’ll give them the “With” ) but made me even more confused about why he’d protest having his picture taken, because why on earth would anyone ever be on “Dancing with the Stars,” if not to be famous again.  Unless maybe it was the only way to avoid being on “Oprah.”

 

There are already enough deservingly famous people in the world who annoy me (Matthew McConaughy).  I don’t need any more thrown my way.

 

 

 

ELDER PORN

According to an article in Time Magazine that’s still creeping me out, the newest sex craze in Japan is elder porn, featuring men of retirement age (a little weird, but I’ll go with it) doing it with women of all ages, but mostly younger (of course).

 

Japan’s version of John Holmes (but less dead – barely) is 74-year-old Shigeo Tokuda, who’s starred in 350 movies over the past 14 years, without his wife or daughter knowing about them (how can that be?).  His specialty is the father-in-law/daughter-in-law genre (Sweet Jesus).

 

While I’m all for people in their 70s having sex, I’m all for having them do it anywhere with a door that can be closed.  It’s not an age-centric thing; I don’t want to watch unattractive young people having sex, either.

 

That’s one of the reasons shows like “Swingtown” are dangerous.  Those are beautiful actors/models onscreen.  But it’s going to inspire some regular folks to take up swinging, and someday some portly insurance salesman at a neighborhood barbeque is going to think it’s okay to ask me to put my keys in a fishbowl.

 

The only unattractive sex I want to watch is my own.  And it will not be with either the portly insurance salesman or Shigeo Tokuda.  At least I hope not.  It’s been kind of quiet on the homefront.

CNN

Here are some of the headlines CNN.com listed under “Latest News” today:

 

Inside a raid:  Going 95 mph to nab a sex offender

 

Gore set to endorse Obama in Michigan

 

Wall full of 60,000 bees drips honey

           

Amy Winehouse hospitalized after fainting

 

Bag of 4 kittens tossed into traffic

 

“Gore set to endorse Obama in Michigan” is huge news, three months ago.

 

What else would that wall of 60,000 bees drip?

 

Amy Winehouse in the hospital is not news.  Amy Winehouse at the library reading about Canada would be worthy of note.

 

And, I hope to God the sex offender didn’t run over those kittens, although that would be a great headline.

SENATOR JOSEPH LIEBERMAN

Senator Joseph Lieberman is pissing off Democrats – again – by publicly criticizing Barack Obama and has said he’ll speak at the Republican convention if asked. 

 

First of all, I, too, would love to speak at the Republican convention, although not the way they would want me to speak and not at all the way Lieberman would do it, which is with the whiff of cheap perfume and a pick-me-for-VP-desperation. 

 

Second, criticizing Obama would be easier to tolerate if Lieberman didn’t have a reputation for crowding a microphone like it’s giving out blow jobs.  After losing the Democratic Senate primary in 2006, Lieberman switched to Independent, not because of any affinity for the center – if that were the case, he would’ve done it before the primary, not after his loss – but simply to retain his seat in Washington.  Never mind it was at a time when the party that supported him as a goddam vice presidential nominee needed all the Democrats it could get.  Lieberman did what was best for Lieberman.  Like he always does.

 

I don’t know what you do with someone who won’t go away on his own and, inexplicably, keeps getting chances to stay.  He’s the political M. Night Shyamalan.  And M. Night Shyamalan is what would happen if the blind squirrel who finds the nuts had sex with the monkey with the typewriter:  “The Sixth Sense” is the only great movie that will ever come out of that guy. And counterbalancing Al Gore was the only good Lieberman will ever do for Democrats.  Or the country.

 

I hope he chooses to one day go away.  But in the meantime, a little quiet would be nice.