ASSHOLE OF THE WEEK

Two people have singled themselves out for Asshole of the Week:  Scott McClellan and Sharon Stone.

 

According to Politico.com, in Scott McClellan’s new tell-all book, the former press secretary claims his old boss President George W. Bush “veered terribly off course,” was not “open and forthright on Iraq” and engaged in a “permanent campaign approach” to dealing with the press and the American people.

 

No shit. 

 

But we don’t need a tell-all book now as much as we could’ve used some refreshing honesty back then when McClellan was in office and could’ve done something about it.  No less of a weasel than Karl Rove said (and I’m paraphrasing here) that McClellan’s a hypocrite because he didn’t go all Karen Silkwood when those “facts” on Iraq were being fabricated.  And now I hate Scott McClellan even more for making me agree with Karl Rove.

 

You can either speak up, quit and write your memoir.  Or you can continue lying, cash your paychecks and spend the rest of your life trying to scrub your soul clean.  You can’t do both.

 

Sharon Stone.  She believes karma is such a bitch that 60,000 Chinese people died because of their government’s persecution of Tibet.  If tragedy really does follow evil, regardless of the culpability of innocent bystanders, then why hasn’t the state of California fallen into the Pacific because of the combined atrocities of “Basic Instinct 2,” “Gloria” and “The Muse?”

 

It’s close, but the Asshole of the Week title goes to Scott McClellan, because:

 

1. Many people died when he helped Bush lie.
2. And no one ever paused their TiVo when Scott McClellan crossed his legs.

REPUBLICAN SENATE LEADERSHIP SURVEY

Dear Senator John Ensign:

 

Thank you for your recent letter and the Republican Senate Leadership Survey.  I was quite flattered to learn that my “immediate attention is required on a confidential and time-sensitive matter,” although somewhat alarmed that my survey is “registered in [my] name only and must be accounted for.”

 

I was a little surprised to get your letter, since I’m a registered Democrat, but I’ll just take this as a sign of some much-needed bipartisan cooperation.

 

Just a few comments on the survey:

 

Under demographic information, you ask for age, employment, marital status and Internet.   Under Internet you list three choices:  “Never use the Internet,” “Regularly use the Internet” and “Seldom use the Internet.”  Two of those things kind of mean the same thing.  If you’re getting a lot of checks in those boxes, you may want to cast a wider net.

 

Part 1:  General Questions.

 

#1.  Thank you for asking, but I am not pleased with the job President Bush is doing.

 

#2.  You’ve listed several issues and I’m supposed to rate them as Very Important, Somewhat Important or Not Important.  While I wouldn’t rate Reauthorizing Tax Cuts as Very Important, I think we may be coming to some common ground because I do feel very strongly about Stabilizing Iraq, Education, Border Security, Social Security, Energy Policy, Health Care, Stem Cell Research and Congressional Ethics Reform.

 

Part 2:  Economic Agenda

 

You’ll be pleased to know that, re: #6., I don’t believe tax increases are the only way to reduce the federal deficit.  I would also try “stop handing out $600 checks to make us forget the war in Iraq.” 

 

#8 does have me genuinely baffled:  “Can the U.S. economy function without the low-wage labor provided by illegal immigrants?”  This seems like a “When did you stop hating America so much, Mrs. Obama” question.  On the one hand, I thought the Republicans were pro-low wage.  But you’re also not big fans of immigrants who don’t turn out to be Governor of California.  Are you suggesting raising wages for illegal immigrants?

 

I didn’t think so.

 

Part 3:  Retirement Security

 

#10.  “Hillary Clinton is calling Senate Democrats to push a passage of measures to institute government-run health care.  Do you support efforts to give government control of health care costs and choices?”  You don’t have a box marked “absolutely,” but that’s the one I’d be checking.  Although, without so much of the Hillary Clinton involvement.

 

Part 4:  Homeland Security

 

#12.  “Do you believe our nation is too dependent on foreign oil?”  Yes.

 

#13.  “Is achieving energy independence from imported fossil fuel crucial to the long-term security of our nation?”  Yes.

 

#14.  “Do you support giving U.S. intelligence and law enforcement agencies the ability to covertly track and monitor communications of terrorist subjects within our borders, as needed, even if a court order has not been obtained?”

 

I thought this section was about Hybrids.  But, to answer #14, I’m not a big supporter of shredding the Constitution.

 

Part 5:  Foreign Policy

 

#18.  “Do you believe Senate Democrats should be allowed to dictate who President Bush chooses as the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations?”  Yes.

 

#20.  “Can we ‘win’ the war in Iraq and establish a stable government that does not harbor and support terrorists or are the Democrats right to call for us to give up, and cut-and-run?”   I just want to give you high marks for the two choices you listed:  “We can win” and “We need to cut-and-run.”

 

Part 7:  Social Issues

 

#28.  “Do you support a Constitutional Amendment to protect traditional marriage – between a man and a woman?”  First of all, no.  Second, it’s interesting you had to define “traditional.”

 

#29.  Do you support President Bush’s ban on human cloning?”  Depends on who they’re cloning.

 

I found the survey quite informative, but am unable to send it back to you, since you’ve only included three choices in the section on Support Reply Form (making me think you might be on to something with the whole English Only campaign, because I have no idea why those three words have been arranged in that order).

 

My only choices are to:

 

 

Send you the survey with my answers, along with a donation to the National Republican Senatorial Committee;

 

Send you the survey without my answers, along with a donation to the NRSC; or

 

 

Send you the survey, with no donation, but with a check for $11 “to cover the cost of tabulating and redistributing my survey.”

 

You know, there are some workers outside of Home Depot who’ll do it for a lot less than $11 per survey.

 

Once again, Senator Ensign, thank you so much for your letter.  I used to be a legislative correspondent on the Hill, so I know exactly how much time and effort you put into this.

 

Sincerely,

 

Maureen Driscoll

Democrat

OBAMA TELLS REPUBLICANS TO STOP BEING MEAN TO HIS WIFE

Senator Barack Obama is upset with the Tennessee Republican Party for its ads criticizing Michelle Obama’s statement that “For the first time in my life, I’m really proud of my country.”  In an interview with “Good Morning America,” Senator Obama told the Tennessee Republicans to lay off his wife.

 

As much as I appreciate any husband coming to the defense of his wife, telling Republicans to stop being mean is kinda like asking the lions to go easy on the gazelles.

 

A better use of his time would be to tell his wife to be a lot more careful in what she says, because it’s only going to get worse.  It’s not a matter of censorship, but one of knowing what the marketplace will bear.  And, unfortunately for someone who’s as smart, talented and outspoken as Mrs. Obama, anytime she opens her mouth, she – and everyone else in politics, including spouses – steps into a rhetorical minefield.

 

And that’s not necessarily wrong.  There’s a misconception in this country that freedom of speech guarantees protection not just from jail time, but from criticism, as well.  Bill Maher’s freedom of speech wasn’t violated when he made those 9/11 comments.  He didn’t go to jail.  He lost his show because we live in a capitalistic society and the people who paid for his show didn’t want to lose money.  And he shouldn’t hold a grudge against capitalism, since he’s probably making a lot more money being a blowhard on HBO than he ever did being a blowhard on ABC.

 

The Republican Party didn’t get to be so evil and powerful just by opposing abortion, preserving the sanctity of divorce as solely a heterosexual domain and whoring out Terri Schiavo (although that did help).  They got there by jumping on every possible misstatement and weakness of some very good people. 

 

Please, Mrs. Obama, keep that in mind.  There’s too much at stake in November to be careless.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM READING ROMANCE NOVELS

Simultaneous orgasms were much, much more common in early 19^th Century England than they are in early 21st Century America.  On a similar note, that era also had a lot more – and I mean a lot more – cases of unreciprocated oral sex, with the guy on the giving end.  This could almost, but not quite, make up for no indoor plumbing, smallpox and all the dying during childbirth.  And when I really think that over, I’d take my risks with the smallpox and childbirth.

 

The most common occupation of aristocratic men during the Napoleonic Wars was spying.

 

A devastatingly handsome rake is likely to have either half a dozen equally devastatingly handsome rake brothers (for the sequels) or be an only child, cast out into the world by an evil uncle who’s trying to take the title for himself.  When cast out into the world, the rake will distinguish himself as a spy in the Napoleonic Wars.

 

In Regency England, rakes reformed, were filthy rich and often Dukes.

 

In current day America, “Entourage” is a documentary.

 

WHY CLINTON SHOULDN’T BE THE VICE PRESIDENT

It’s been suggested that what the Democrats need is an Obama-Clinton ticket.  I can only hope that’s being suggested mostly in Republican circles, because, unlike in previous years when Democrats needed Bentsen to wipe some of the crazy liberal off Dukakis and when Ferraro was needed to pump personality into Mondale, the only thing Clinton brings to Obama is complete and utter disaster.     

 

This is not a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup situation where two great tastes go great together.  It’s not chocolate-peanut butter (and I’m NOT being racist by using “chocolate.”  It’s the goddam Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup analogy.). If anything, Obama-Clinton is chocolate-cyanide.  And no amount of cyanide is ever going to help the chocolate.  Not even trace amounts.  It’s not like we can send the Vice President to Alaska for four years.  She would never willingly fade into the background. 

 

To put it into perspective, Hillary Clinton would be almost as irritating as Dick Cheney, but healthier. 

 

I understand where the Obama-Clinton proponents are coming from.  We could take two historic steps, instead of just one.  But sometimes one is enough.  We didn’t expect Neil Armstrong to walk on the moon and set a new goldfish-swallowing record at the same time.  No one watched Nelson Mandela walk out of prison and told him “Now that Apartheid’s over, you should join Greenpeace.”

 

Barack Obama as the Democratic nominee is all the history we need to make right now.  And the best way he can actually become President is by keeping Clinton off the ticket. 

 

She ran a very good race.  But it’s time to go back to New York, the place she calls home.  Even through she isn’t really from there.  Which is yet another reason I can’t stand her.  Okay, she doesn’t actually have to go wherever she claims is home.  She just can’t stay here.

WEST VIRGINIA REDNECKS FOR CLINTON

It turns out that Hillary Clinton is very, very popular among West Virginia Democrats.  I think she’s probably fairly well hated among West Virginians as a whole, but among Democrats voting in this week’s primary, she’s much more popular than Barack Obama.  Which means, overall, that Barack Obama should probably not waste a lot of time in West Virginia come this fall.

 

West Virginia’s endorsement of Hillary Clinton would push me well into the Barack Obama camp, even if I weren’t already there.  It is a state filled with tough, brave people who could kick all our asses (see:  coal miners and Jessica Lynch).  But it doesn’t seem to be the most politically astute place.  Similarly, I’m not looking for political guidance from Alabama, Nevada or North Dakota (nor am I taking fashion advice from the same).

 

On the liberal side, I have very little respect for any ballot measure ever passed by the Berkeley City Council.  Oregon wasted 5% of its general election votes in 2000 on Ralph Fucking Nader.  Actually, they didn’t waste their votes, as much as help George Bush win, which reinforces my belief that suffrage should not be universal.  Idiots need not apply.  (For the record, I’m not taking fashion advice from Berkeley or Oregon either, but if I’m ever in need of pot, I know where to go.)

 

So, congratulations, Hillary.  You’re huge in Deliverance country. 

 

 

 

MADONNA’S HARD CANDY DESPERATION

Dear Madonna,

 

As you may know, on the cover of your latest album you sit spread-legged, dressed in wrestling gear, sticking your tongue out suggestively (like you’d do it any other way) while wrapping your hand.  It’s S&M-lite with the somewhat unsubtle title “Hard Candy.”

 

Okay…eeeeeeeNOUGH.  Yes, you have a ridiculously great body for any age and truly spectacular for 51.  Got it.  We know.  We all know.  We’ve all known for many, many years.  We don’t need yet another reminder.

 

Mostly, because you’re trying way too hard.  Sort of like all the self-proclaimed MILFs and Cougars.  Sexy is not continually reminding the rest of us you’re sexy.  If you’re really all that fuckable, we already know. 

 

Sometimes it seems the slightly pudgy you from “Borderline” and “Lucky Star” controls the current hard-bodied version and is trying to wipe away all memory of that slightly rounded stomach.  Which is too bad, because as much as I respect and envy you for what you’ve done, I also liked the version from the early ‘80s that made it okay for bra straps to show in a tank top.

 

If you really want to demonstrate you haven’t lost your edge, your next album cover should feature you in mom jeans and a minivan.  Or looking like you live on a compound in Utah.  Your music does actually speak for itself.  A person is either a fan or he’s not, and there’s a certain unseemly lack of confidence if you think it’s necessary to show us your inner thighs every time you want us to buy your music.

 

Most of us would kill for your body.  Many people in the universe would, indeed, love to fuck you.  But can’t we take all that for granted for a little while?  I give you permission to slide upside down on a stripper pole holding a trombone between your thighs wearing nothing but a bowtie, but can you wait until you’re 60 to do it? 

 

Change it up a bit.  That’s all I’m saying.

 

Your pal,

 

Maureen

 

P.S. No more movies.

ALEC BALDWIN’S POLITICAL CAREER

In an interview with 60 Minutes, Alec Baldwin says now that he’s turned 50, he may run for office.

  

I realize Baldwin has already done all the things most people do when they have a mid-life crisis, but running for office is not the answer.   We heard the message he left for his daughter.  That guy does not belong anywhere near the nuclear suitcase.  We don’t need him in Washington.  We need him exactly where he is:  on the best television show ever. 

 

For some actors-turned politician, Hollywood didn’t suffer.  We liked Gopher, but there weren’t a lot of Valentino suicides when Fred Grandy left town for DC.  Most of us would’ve been better off if Ronald Regan hadn’t gone to Washington, but it was no loss to the movies, either. 

 

Even Arnold Schwarzenegger has a mixed legacy.  On the one hand, we have “Terminator” and the accord to reduce greenhouse gases, but there’s also “Jingle All the Way” and an awful lot of flip-flopping on gay rights.  And I’m not sure how to feel when my Governor’s official biography boasts of being the only actor on both the Heroes and Villains lists of the AFI.  

 

But I need Jack Donaghy.  It takes me an hour to watch each “30 Rock” episode because I keep rewinding to catch what I missed when I was laughing so hard.  And much of that rewinding centers on Jack.  Baldwin is brilliant in the role.

 

If Hollywood has to send somebody to Washington, let it be from “Three and a Half Men” or “How I Met Your Mother.”  Admittedly, I’m being a little unfair to “How I Met Your Mother,” since I’ve never actually seen it, but any show that would even consider two guest appearances by Britney Spears is not one destined for greatness. 

 

Alec, please stay where you are.  And, Tina Fey, don’t even think about leaving.  Ever.  We need all the Liz Lemons we can get.

McGOVERN MOMENTUM

George McGovern (who’s still alive!) has urged Hillary Clinton to drop out of the presidential race.  And it’s got to be disconcerting when one of history’s biggest losers says you don’t stand a chance.

 

Do you know who else would be worrisome to hear from?  These guys:

 

Any Democratic presidential candidate between LBJ and now, except for the one she used to sleep with.

 

The producers of that Heather Graham TV series that aired once

 

Eight Belles

 

Tonya Harding or Jeff Gillooly

 

The Convert America to the Metric System people

 

Dancing with the Stars

 

Give up, Hillary.  We can’t miss you if you don’t go away.

TOM HANKS FOR OBAMA

Tom Hanks has just announced his endorsement of Barack Obama for President, which made me wonder who else is telling me how to vote by virtue of their in-depth knowledge of their own self-importance (although Hanks’s endorsement was actually quite charming).  I did some checking and found the following endorsements:

 

Hillary Clinton:  Howard Stern, Antonio Villaraigosa, Eliot Spitzer, Barbra Streisand, Carly Simon, Katherine McPhee, Janet Jackson, Jenna Jameson

 

Barrack Obama:  Tom Hanks, Scarlett Johansson, Gary Hart, John Kerry, Toni Morrison, Oprah Winfrey, Ted Kennedy, Larry David, Caroline Kennedy,

 

John McCain:  Joseph Lieberman, Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger

 

So, basically, Hillary Clinton has the pro-sex/pro-adultery crowd, with a sprinkling of contemporary FM;

 

Obama has a bunch of people who wanted to be President but couldn’t, people I’d like to have dinner with, and Oprah Winfrey;

 

and two-thirds of McCain supporters can kick your ass in a contest.  Unless it’s a Spelling Bee or the Math Olympics.

 

I feel so great about the future.