THE SNUB

So, Hillary reaches out to shake Obama’s hand.  He turns away to, depending on whom you ask, either talk to Senator Claire McCaskill or cut her dead like he’s varsity football and she’s chess club.  Then Hillary has to shake Ted Kennedy’s hand, which is gross, both because of his very public endorsement of Obama and also because you never know where Ted’s hands have been. 

Obama says it was an accident, claiming “Senator Clinton and I have very cordial relations off the floor and on the floor,” which also, for the record, describes Bill Clinton’s relations with any number of women, although probably not so much his wife. 

Claire McCaskill, who must be quite excited to get in the news, says everything’s been blown out of proportion and “everybody’s spoiling for a fight, which is the politics of old,” which makes me think Claire McCaskill has been sleeping through much of the last month, if not the past ten years. 

Meanwhile, Hillary’s trying to Criss Angel us into thinking she’s somewhere she’s really not when she says “I reached out my hand in friendship and unity and my hand is still reaching out.  And I look forward to shaking his hand when I see him at the debate in California,” when you know the only thing she truly wants to do with that hand has nothing to do with shaking and much to do with slapping. 

There’s speculation that the National Endowment for Women will capitalize on this, since they’ve already called Ted Kennedy’s endorsement the “ultimate betrayal” of women.  Really?  The ultimate betrayal?  Worse than, say, the erosion of Roe v. Wade or the toothless domestic violence laws or the War in Iraq?  Maybe the National Organization for Women (and God bless them for much of their work), needs to join Claire McCaskill is some sort of current events catch-up course.  And it’s Ted Kennedy they’re criticizing, a man who’s arguably done more for women (and to them) than just about any other politician in the past 60 years. 

Whoopi Goldberg chimed in on the controversy, saying Obama “was wrong to turn away” to which I reply:  A. You are Whoopi Goldberg and  B. You are on The View.  Then I try to erase my memory of everything that happened in this paragraph. 

We’re one week away from the California primary and this is probably going to be a stupid thing that keeps getting bigger and stupider.  And this, THIS, is why we will end up with the oldest President ever, when the last time we did that it was a complete and utter disaster.  Although, honestly, I do kinda like John McCain. 

So, Obama, shake the woman’s hand.  And, Hillary, stop whining about it.  It’s already been a long campaign season.  Stop making it worse.

THEY ARE NOT NEWSWORTHY

The news is supposed to be, well, newsworthy.  It should tell us things we don’t already know.  It should not simply state the obvious.  These are real website headlines from 3:15 this afternoon, none of which appear to be actual news.   

CNN 

Manager:  Spears has Mental Issues 

TSA Workers Flunk Test 

MSNBC 

Middle Age Really Is Depressing, Study Finds 

“Idol” Talent Not “Fresh, Untapped” 

Actress Sean Young Enters Rehab 

Fox News 

Britney Spears Photographed Sobbing, Sitting Barefoot 

FOX411:  Michael Jackson’s Nanny is Gone 

Black Death Killed Mostly Old and Weak, Study Finds (Not really news and not very timely) 

ABC News 

(Article on Clay Aiken)  Celibate Star Too Tired or Just Asexual  (Not really news and omits rather glaring third possibility.) 

CBS News 

Tonight:  Katie Couric asks the top Presidential candidates what book they’d bring to the White House.   (…and sets back women in journalism about a fucking century.  Jesus.)  

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

Dear Mr. Day-Lewis: 

We all feel bad about Heath Ledger.  But stop Bogarting his death.   

Sincerely, 

Everyone on the goddam planet.

SHARPTON TELLS CLINTON TO SHUT UP

SO TRASHIC, PART 3 

The latest Trashic (trash + tragic) news, and the points it scored on the Trashic Scale.  (Bad things earn you points, good things bring negative points.)            

The Reverend Al Sharpton… (1, self-explanatory)            

…appeared on “The View” today… (1, self-explanatory) 

…telling Bill Clinton to shut up… (-10 because it’s Al Sharpton’s all-time best advice) 

…because voters are sick of “race charges, race-tinged rhetoric.”  (-10 for telling the truth counteracted by 1000 points for the massive hypocrisy) 

Then he told both Barack Obama and Bill Clinton to take the campaign to the high ground.  (-5 for acknowledging the existence of the high ground; 10,000 for never once visiting the place.) 

Trashic Scale score:  10,977

January 28, 2008

In what political observers have called a snub of Hillary Clinton, but I think is more of a “fuck you,” Senator Ted Kennedy has endorsed Barack Obama, saying “It’s time again for a new generation of leadership.”   Which I agree with, but way to call Hillary Clinton “old,” Ted.  In response, Hillary Clinton mumbled something like “Thanks, Chappaquiddick,” before having Vince Foster killed again.

HERE SHE IS AND THERE HE WENT

Failing to capitalize on the Bill Richardson/Chris Dodd void, Dennis Kucinich is dropping out of the Presidential primary race.  The herd is finally thinning.   

The early days of the Presidential primary season are a lot like the opening moments of the Miss America Pageant, where you see a parade of young scholarship hopefuls from around the country and you wonder when you last heard the phrase “The winner of Miss America is….Miss Montana” (which was never).  Then three minutes into the program, 80% of them disappear, not to be seen again until the giant cheesy production number toward the end of the show.   

In politics, you get a lot of hopefuls from around the country traipsing all over New Hampshire in the snow, and you wonder when the last time you heard the phrase “The winner of the Presidential race is…some average white man politician” (which is always).  A few weeks into the race, 80% of them disappear, not to be seen again until the giant cheesy conventions. 

Then the finalists – pageant and political – have to answer questions about world peace and are judged by how well they keep a smile plastered on their face.  A nice, but rather dim-bulb finalist is then pulled from the field and given the title of Miss Congeniality/Ambassador to France.  The tension intensifies and someone puts pepper spray on someone else’s gown, but in the end, only one of the combatants can be crowned.   

Even then, the similarities don’t end.  Each gets his/her own song (“Here She Is, Miss America”/”Hail to the Chief”).  And, when we’re very lucky, both become embroiled in sex scandals. 

But one very big difference is that at end of the Miss America Pageant, the winner goes off to a benign year of promotional duties and supermarket openings, before, hopefully, a lifetime of hip widening and losing her looks.  But the winner of the Presidential contest goes on to at least four years of making decisions for our country during a time of almost unprecedented fucked-up conditions in the world.  

And while I’m pretty sure we’re not lost at sea by the withdrawal of Dennis Kucinich, I’m also hopeful that  this time we end up with a truly great President. 

Because it’s been a while since we’ve had one.  

January 24, 2008

Congressional leaders are sending millions of Americans a check for $600 to stimulate the economy.  I can do that.  For only a couple hundred more I’ll also blow the economy and for anything over $1000, the economy can count on an excellent fucking. 

THERE WILL BE BLOOD AND BOWLING

Huge Spoiler Alert:  This gives away the jaw-droppingly awful ending of “There Will Be Blood.”

I was so excited to see “There Will Be Blood.”  I’m a huge P.T. Anderson fan.  Daniel Day-Lewis is one of my favorite actors.  So I settled into a screening at Universal and even though the sound system was so loud it felt like the Jonny Greenwood score was drilling into my teeth and the first 15 minutes were pretty much a PSA for the United Mine Workers Union, I was transfixed.  That first hour was brilliant. 

The first time we saw Paul Dano at his family’s farm. I gasped.  I figured this kid was a con man, going after the master himself.  Nice.  Then as the movie developed, I figured out his talk about a “twin brother” was actually some sort of split personality disorder. Nicer.   

Then we got to the scene where Paul Dano attacks his father and in the course of the fight, we learn there really is a twin brother.  And suddenly, all those subtle shades of drama and intrigue plummeted to Earth like one of the oil rig beams that kept impaling people every ten minutes. 

During the second hour, characters disappeared (I notice when my beloved Ciaran Hinds up and leaves).  Plots points didn’t make quite so much sense (Did the kid set the cabin on fire because he was drunk on the whiskey-milk or was he just bored?  And who actually believed that guy was Daniel’s brother?).  But, it was still a pretty good movie. 

Then we get to the Thirty Years Later and, Sweet Jesus, the Bowling Alley.  DD-L did a great job of conveying he was 30 years older.  Paul Dano?  Not so much.  Plot-wise, I thought the kid was a true believer, so his descent into sin came as a bit of a surprise.  And while the last thing this movie needed was to be longer, maybe there could’ve been a few hints along the way that the kid wasn’t such a man of God after all.   

As for the bowling pin chase scene denouement, my friend Annie put it best when she said it should’ve been accompanied by the music from “Benny Hill.”  But even more than that (and that was enough), I didn’t believe this insignificant character would’ve been a big enough thorn in Daniel’s side for him to exert the effort needed to beat him to death with a bowling pin.  Shooting?  Possibly.  But staining his very nice bowling alley?  Decidedly not.  It’s a little like watching the climactic scene in “A Few Good Men” and knowing there’s not a parallel plane in the universe where Tom Cruise ever breaks Jack Nicholson. 

P.T. Anderson may be this generation’s Orson Welles and every genius does have an off moment (Charlton Heston as a Mexican sheriff?  “Touch of Evil” makes me giggle).  But I just don’t understand the love for this movie. 

I’m afraid “There Will Be Blood” will get the Oscar for Best Picture and P.T. Anderson will beat out the Coen Brothers.  Daniel Day-Lewis will triumph over George Clooney who truly deserves it (and should be rewarded simply for stopping the dreadful Ocean sequels).

I still love P.T. Anderson and I certainly won’t ever stop watching DD-L running up that mountain in “Last of the Mohicans,” but come Oscar night, I think I’m going to be very, very sad.

January 17, 2008

California scientists have announced they’ve cloned embryos of two men.  God, I hope one of them’s not Bill O’Reilly. 

SO TRASHIC, PART 2

The latest Trashic (trash + tragic) victim, and the points he’s earned on the Trashic Scale.   From Matthew McConnaughey’s website (via People.com) announcing he’s going to be a father: 

• My girlfriend Camila and I…(1, not because of any Huckabeelian concerns about bastards, but because it’s such a cliché)
• …made a baby together…(1, for the creepiness of the syntax)
• …it’s 3 months growin’ in her womb…(1, Mr. Clampett)
• …we are stoked…(1, because it’s 2008)
• Thanks for being fans of me and my work…(1, assuming facts not in evidence)
• …and now this new and miraculous chapter in life, as me and Camila and our child do our best to just keep living.  (1, it’s “Camila and I” and has been for about the last thousand or so years in the history of English.)

That’s 6 points on the Trashic Scale.  But, you know, congratulations on the baby.  I’m sure you’ll all be happy and pretty dumb.