READER MAIL

About a year ago, I wrote a short post telling Daniel-Day Lewis to stop Bogarting Heath Ledger’s death because D-DL was winning a bunch of awards for the stupendously horrific “And Then There Was Blood” and couldn’t shut the hell up about Legder’s admittedly tragic death.

Today, I got the following comment from a reader about that post:

“Do you speak for everyone on the planet??? At least he spoke from his heart. What is your excuse?”

The answer is “yes, I do speak for everyone on the planet” and “I don’t need an excuse, because, please see above, re: speaking for everyone on the planet.”

But thanks for writing. 

 

CRAZY DYING PEOPLE

A 29-year-old woman in England with an inoperable brain tumor plans to spend $55,000 on plastic surgery to look like Demi Moore.  This comes shortly after the parents who granted their terminally ill 9-year-old daughter’s wish to get married before she dies.

Is this what it’s come down to for women?    Dying pretty and not being an old maid at 9?  Whatever happened to going to Disney World and meeting sports stars?  Or, for the 29-year-old, spending it all on drugs and ending things at one big party.  Or, what I would do, buy George Clooney for one long night or an hour or even ten minutes of phone sex.

And who really wants to go to all that much pain to look like Demi Moore?  That’s like going to college so you can be as smart as a contestant on Celebrity Jeopardy.  If you’re going to all the trouble, shoot for looking like one of those teenagers Hef claims to be banging.   Or have surgery where they give you a third arm, so at least you have something interesting to talk about at parties.

Besides, of course, that tumor growing in your head, which I imagine is pretty interesting, but probably brings the room down when you bring it up.

Obviously, nothing’s more tragic than a dying child and I can’t imagine not living to see my ’30s, although, to be honest, it was a rather mediocre decade.  But dying doesn’t mean you’re crazy, terminally ill women and children of the world.  Don’t make me make fun of you.

THE OCTOMOM

Jokes about the Octomom are now as officially worn out as that woman’s vagina.

Shut it, America.

WASHINGTON POST STYLE INVITATIONAL

For the past 800 weeks or so, the Washington Post — a newspaper you wouldn’t think has a sense of humor, but does — has run a weekly writing contest called the Style Invitational, where they give a subject and ask for submissions.  As a way of finally getting my ass writing again, I started entering the contest. 

This week’s contest was to write diary entries for people, real or fictional, along with a date.  These are my submissions this week:

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From the Diary of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, Thanksgiving, 2021

UGH!!! Had to eat at the “biologicals” table again. So instead of talking about “abject poverty” and “how to recover from leprosy” at the “adopteds” table, I got stuck between Lantern Oasis Jolie-Timberlake and Horizon Ficus Jolie-Schwarzenegger. And they’re idiots. I hate this cult!

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From the Diary of Jenna Jameson, A Few Years Ago

Oh! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Yes! YES!!!!

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From the Diary of Jon Stewart, Inauguration Day, 2009

Oh! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Yes! YES!!!!!

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From the Diary of Walter Cronkite, Every Night After The CBS Evening News

(Illegible. Writing is washed away by copious tears.)

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From the Diary of “Soprano’s” Creator David Chase

Tony’s dead.

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From the Diary of Captain James T. Kirk, Stardate 36827.9

Now that I think about it, telecommunications technology hasn’t advanced much beyond early Twenty-First Century standards. And computers got a lot bigger. KHAN!

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From the Diary of Satan, Inauguration Day, 2009

Spending 8 years as Vice President was EXHAUSTING. 

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From the Diary of Bridget Jones, 13 February 2009

Caught Mark Darcy being smug and stand-offish to secretary. Must be having mid-life crisis affair, in manner of BBC presenter or U.S. President. But not like President Obama, who’s v. v. delicious. Must read up on American news, in case of travel to White House with cheating Mark Darcy’s barrister firm.

From the Diary of Bridget Jones, 14 February 2009

Hurrah! Received roses via secretary. Mark Darcy not cheating! Simply smug bastard to everyone. Will keep reading American news, just in case.

ALEXANDRA PELOSI

I just watched Alexandra Pelosi’s HBO documentary “Friends of God” about the fundamentalist movement in the U.S.  If I had to come up with the most annoying hypothetical offspring ever, based on the uberall annoying level of their parents and couldn’t commit a felony while doing it (temporarily sparing the world from a baby Jonas/Cyrus, pretty much the Fat Man of irritating DNA mixtures), it would have to be the imaginary child of Michael Moore and Alexandra Pelosi.

 

My seething hatred of Moore and Pelosi doesn’t just stem from their habit of starring in their films, despite having personalities more abrasive than the Old Dutch cleanser I keep saying I’m going to scrub my bathtub with.  It’s because, ostensibly, I’m on their side on the issues, but their films make me hate them so much personally I keep wishing I weren’t.

 

For instance, Pelosi did pretty much the unpardonable by making me feel sorry for George W. Bush – yes, that, George W. Bush – when she did the film “Journeys With George.” She tagged along on Bush’s press plane during the 2000 campaign, then blasted him for being, well, Bush.  And not Bush, the evil fucking non-genius behind Iraq.  It was more like Bush, the goofy guy you’d almost kind of like if he hadn’t turned out to be the evil fucking non-genius behind Iraq.  And she was only on that plane because he was doing her mother a favor.  I don’t care if, according to IMDB, Alexandra Pelosi does have a degree in communications from USC.  That doesn’t get you a job washing the press plane, let alone an audience with the future (and almost past – yay! – but not quickly enough — boo!) President.

 

And Moore made me root for Charlton Heston in “Bowling for Columbine.”  And I hate “The Ten Commandments.”  I was thinking “Huh.  The NRA makes some interesting points.” 

 

“Friends of God” reminded me of all those videographers at weddings who yell out inanities behind the camera as they try to make you come up with something clever to say to the bride, whom you only talk to at work for the amount of time if takes to burn your microwave popcorn, and the groom, whom you don’t know at all:

 

Videograher with wink and leer: Hey, got any tips for Ken and Lisa as they head off on their honeymoon? 

 

Me while looking for bar:  Have fun, Lisa and…………………………Ken?

 

I don’t know how you do a boring documentary about the fundamentalist movement in America, but I think it has something to do with that half-smirking, aren’t-I-smarter-than-you way of posing the questions, that kept making me hope one of the Christians was going to punch her like in that scene in “Witness.”  But, no, these Christians were Christians.

 

So, again, thanks, Alexandra, for making me think “Huh.  These people who are telling me I’m not a Christian if I’m pro-choice and love my gay friends, are pretty tolerant, after all.” 

 

And one last word to Michael Moore.  It’s so much easier for me to agree with you when you shut the hell up.  So keep doing that.

 

THE DISH, DECEMBER 13

Right now, if you look out your window, you’ll see the words “I eat my feelings” written in the sky.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Oprah’s appearances everywhere this week to talk about her weight gain.)

At the photo shoot, there was tension between the two Oprahs until 2012 Oprah arrived to show them it could get a lot worse.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the cover of O Magazine, featuring two Oprahs: one from 2005 and one from today.)

The kneepads sure come in handy when you’re trying to raise approval ratings.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Lindsay Lohan’s Mr. President leggings, featuring kneepads.)

No means 10 11 01 111 0101.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on a female robot that doesn’t let her creator get too fresh.)

Don’t tell Angie, but that’s Brad’s tie.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the GQ cover featuring Jennifer Aniston wearing only a tie.)

My favorite article was “Come on, they’re not all gifts from God.”  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Baby Talk Magazine’s headline “Straight Talk For New Moms”)

Apparently, she said the pregnancy this time really was just to ruin Jen’s Christmas.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Star Magazine’s headline that Angelina Jolie is having twins again.)

So if you want your ball gown to literally say “I’m With Stupid,” call Angela.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on designer Angela Johnson’s gowns made from old T-shirts.)

BUMPER STICKERS

In 2004, I saw quite possibly the world’s best bumper sticker:  Republicans for Voldemort.  This morning on the way to work, I finally spotted the worst:  I’m Only Speeding ‘Cause I Really Have to Poop.

I might’ve understood it — to a degree — if it’d been on a Roto-Rooter van.  But this was on a truck belonging to an air conditioning company.  I realize there’s some connection between pooping and air quality.  But is this really the corporate message one wants to spread?

Maybe it’s a way to get out of a ticket.  The bumper sticker probably makes a fairly strong case that you have habitual bowel problems if you’re ever pulled over.  But at what cost?  Being known as an uncontrollable pooper?  I’d rather get the ticket.

And if it’s a sign of the guy’s (because you know a woman had nothing to do with this) sense of humor, again, I’d rather get the ticket.

I don’t know what possessed someone to put this on their car.  I don’t know what possessed someone to print up a bumper sticker like that.  I just know I want to stay far, far away from both of them.  Especially when they’re  speeding.  And pooping.

VALKYRIE

Do you know why Valkyrie is going to be God awful?  It’s not just because Tom Cruise is going to do to this movie what he did to The Last Samurai.  It’s because one of the trailers starts off “No man was more evil,”  then goes on to explain Hitler was a bad, bad man. 

If we’ve truly come to a point in history where Hitler needs an introduction, something’s seriously wrong.   His is not one of those vague names like Calvin Coolidge where you don’t really why you know them.  No one ever says “Hitler…why was he famous again?”

And if, indeed, you have no basic knowledge of Hitler, I don’t want you learning about him from a Tom Cruise movie.  If you want to know how to be a spy or drive race cars fast or speak with a bad Irish accent, Tom’s your man.  If you want any understanding of genocide, you need to go to a history book.  Or talk to George Clooney.

This film will be an abomination.  And I can’t wait to see it!

THE DISH, DECEMBER 6

Move over Maccabees, Santa Claus and Jesus, because this December belongs to Britney Spears, who has the body of a teenaged mother of two.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Britney Spears’s huge week of publicity.)

All my first boyfriend said was “think fast” as he threw a ball at my head.  We dated for two weeks.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on 9-year-old Alex Greven’s book “How to Talk to Girls”)

Pitt added “The worst part is if you don’t finish, she yells ‘Do you know how many starving kids there are in Africa?,’ then points to Zahara.  It’s awkward.”  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on a Brad Pitt quote in Jamie Oliver’s new magazine, saying the fanciest meal Angelina Jolie cooks is cereal.)

Hey, Kevin.  You weren’t being silent.  You were just rapping about it and no one was listening.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the People Magazine headline “Kevin Federline Breaks His Silence”)

Oh, Brody, what are you going to do when you find out your Bromancers are just not that into you?  Will you watch some made-for-TV movies on Bro-Oxygen?  Will you eat three bags of Bro-Oreo cookies?  Bro-boo, Bro-hoo.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Brody Jenner’s new show “Bromance”)

If your boyfriend plays for 10 minutes, he loves you.  If he plays all day, he’s gay.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the new Fashion Rules board game, where players answer questions about Supermodels and fashion.)

Good to know.  But I’m trying to figure out when I have three hours to spare.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on a male enhancement infomercial promising three hour erections.)

THE DISH, NOVEMBER 29

Oh my God!  He could be worse?  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on reports that The Hills’s Spencer told Heidi that being with her has made him a better man.)

First you lost your house and job, but you thought you were getting an Oprah Win-fall, only to end up with something like a tip from some lady in Denver on how to make soap for Christmas.  With the way your year’s going, that mole on your elbow is probably just flesh-eating bacteria.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Oprah’s affordable My Favorite Things show)

The ceremonial First Flush was made by Joey Fatone of ‘NSYNC, proving that he is not at all familiar with the word “no.”  When asked how the gig went, his reply was “Dude, don’t go in there…sorry.”  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on Charmin’s Luxury Loos in Times Square.)

Not if you like angry sex.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on the Marie Claire headline “Does Dieting Make You Bad in Bed?”)

I’m guessing there’s no lipstick, because the last time I checked Hello Kitty didn’t have a mouth.  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on a new line of Mac cosmetics inspired by Hello Kitty.)

Of course, the higher it goes, you get things like “Well, it’s the holidays” and “At least you got out of bed “ and “You’ve got a great personality.”  (The Dish’s Danielle Fishel on a line of bathroom scales that replaces numbers with positive affirmations.)